Legitimate Industries Legitimate Industries

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Welcome to… Legitimate Industries

With offices from Pyongyang to Panama, and fuelled by our own entirely deregulated brewery, ‘Legitimate’ is a byword for business success. Whether it’s a minor political coup, corporate tax advice, or a pet panda for the kids…let’s do Legitimate business.

The Merchandise


Sitting there like the fat cat who got the double cream. This smirking, crisp, German-style lager is chortling all the way to the offshore bank.


Identity Theft’s been snooping around. This American Pale knows you better than your nearest and dearest.


This snake in the grass of a Session IPA’s had it rigged from the start. You’ll be stuck for another term yet.


Sit back home in the rain, add up the damage and take solace in this summer smasher. It’s all you got you putz.


This old traditionalist is just plain bitter. I hope you have insurance buster, ‘cause this sweet and fruity old-timer’s here for his pension.


Small Shipments


This hard-hitting, rich and decadent little number has been ageing in Kentucky bourbon barrels so long he has no idea whose side he's on.

  • Where’s my wife?

    I hand-picked my spouse from your catalogue seven months ago, but haven't even had the faintest sniff of a lifelong, meaningful relationship. Where is Olga? You have until Wednesday or I am going to the papers.

    1 star rating
  • He’s the cutest!!!

    My wife always wanted a Snow leopard, I said "No honey they’re endangered". No boom boom for me, bad times. So along comes Legitimate – five large and look what we have! They even took the claws and teeth out!! He’s our adorable little gummy bear.

    8 star rating
  • Where’s my wife? - *updated*

    Please disregard my previous review, this is an exceptional company and I was ill-advised to spread unfounded slander. I am a bad person, a fraud and a natural born liar. Sorry all.

    9 star rating
  • Banks a million!

    As a merchant banker, I’ve always been a shy and low-key kind of guy, but Tax Evasion Pils has really helped me to come out of my shell. It’s so easy and so very rewarding. Thanks Legitimate Industries for showing me the light – I’m off to test drive a f*cking Veyron!! 

    9 star rating
  • King of the world!

    I fancied a career change, so Legitimate helped me to topple a government in a small South American enclave. Last week I had a meeting at the World Bank and a certain pop star sang at my kid's birthday party - it was epic. Look at me now Dad you b*stard!

    8 star rating
  • Unbeatable business finance

    I borrowed $2m to expand my business, although I did not expect cash in used £10 notes, the funds were delivered promptly. Though LIW is now the major shareholder in our family firm, I have been encouraged to recommend my experience to others.

    9 star rating
  • Identity Theft worked for me

    I stumbled across this malty American Pale in Red’s True Barbecue and it changed my life. The juicy, tropical fruit blend of Apollo, Bravo, Cascade, Chinook and Eureka hops made my day! I'll be back.

    9 star rating
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When a U.S. beverage manufacturer fell marginally behind on their financial commitments, we stripped their assets faster than you can say "Read the terms and conditions, moron". Their loss, your gain!

We’ve been brewing outstanding beers ever since. Fact.

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Meet a few of the inspirational, entrepre-guru thought leaders who have helped us to reach the summit of Mount Success and stay there.

Simon Bullingdon-Winchester Simon Bullingdon-Winchester

Simon Bullingdon-Winchester

Finance and Political Consultation
Wilson Kamunti-Kanyeihambu Wilson Kamunti-Kanyeihambu

Wilson Kamunti-Kanyeihambu

Mining and Hospitality
Cal Stallioné Cal Stallioné

Cal Stallioné

Gaming and North American Operations
Kostas Xanthopoulos Kostas Xanthopoulos

Kostas Xanthopoulos

Shipping and Logistics
Natalya Kolovogina Natalya Kolovogina

Natalya Kolovogina

Entertainment and Networking
Kenny Fraser Kenny Fraser

Kenny Fraser

Security and Debt Management

Contact us


Feel free to reach out to our customer services division - God loves a trier. Government agencies, please use our Bermudan PO Box address – thanks.

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